More Mitch’s Rules of Paddling

More Mitch’s Rules of Paddling

By Mitch Lloyd

a Carolina Paddler article

-Editor’s note:  Mitch is a longtime paddler and a new member of the CCC.  He previously supplied us with some of the Rules he has observed on the water.  Here are more. If possible, they are even more insightful.

Tighty Whitey Rule: Cold water will immediately make its way to your cotton underwear. Cold wet cotton drawers will never dry while you are wearing them, even if you are in the Sahara desert.

River Sandal Conundrum:  Sand, rock or debris, up to the size of a small car, will pass through the slots of your river sandals and wedge under the arch of your foot. Conversely, anything that can be seen without magnification will not pass OUT of your shoe. On a sandy bottom there is danger of your foot being so tightly packed into your shoe with sand that it may be necessary to have the shoe cut free of your foot.

The Weatherman Curse: The weather forecast has ruined more paddle trips than the actual weather.

The Rule of Water Access: At any good access to a body of water worth paddling, some idiot in a Land Train will park in front of said access in such a way as to make it impossible for anyone else to get around the Land Train without the use of helicopters and/or rappelling ropes. Land Train Idiot will then either begin homesteading or have a family reunion to block the access for hours.

     Corollary: Commercial outfitters who rent watercraft believe river accesses are only for them and will camp out in ghetto vans with monster trailers in front of the only access to the water, forcing paddlers to portage around or over the ghetto van.

The Quandary of Illiterate Paddlers:  You can post a trip notice, giving the day and time of a paddle trip, list the distance and an estimate of time on the water and include an address and GPS coordinates for the put-in as well as a map. Someone will reply to the invitation with questions about where, when and how to find it.  One person will ask if the trip will be finished in time for the person to make it to a wedding at 5 PM, 3 hours away from the take-out.

The Edict of Idiots: For any trip invitation, some idiot paddler will post suggestions for alternate times, dates, locations, weather and water conditions, thereby confusing others, especially Illiterate Paddlers.

The Rule of Egocentrism:  If I post a trip invitation, I DON’T NEED TO KNOW that you are NOT coming, nor what else you are doing instead. Nobody cares.

Business Law: On any big paddle trip with the need for a guide or trip leader, one paddler will whip out his phone and begin negotiations for a hostile take-over of Microsoft. Sound carries far on the water, and everyone will get to enjoy one half of the conversation.

The Canon of Canon: All those thousands of photos you are taking, including the ones of your toenails as you clip them while paddling your sit-on-top?  When you get home, they are all going to look the same. No need to share them on the website.