Back in time, The Paddler Edition.

Many have loved The Paddler in the past.  As I try to revive it in a more modern form I think it is only fitting to pay tribute to The Paddler past as well.

Here is an article and a comic picture from back in 1988, just think how many more “diseases” we could add to this these days!  If we find that Voodoo practitioner maybe we could finally identify what causes us all to want to constantly buy more boats!

The following article was taken directly from (Vol 17, No 2, April 1988)  Comic pictures were taken from multiple volumes from 1988.

Whitewater Sickness

Anonymously submitted by a charter member of the Breakfast Club
At Last, answers to some of the many mysteries that surround whitewater paddling. We recently consulted a leading local voodoo practioner and he told us about several previously unknown conditions that exclusively affect whitewater boaters.

ENDOMANIA: A tragic affliction. Causes victim to repeatedly paddle into nasty holes to attempt to flip his or her boat end over end. Aggravated severely by the presence of still cameras and even worse by video cameras. Prognosis: No known cure (although a visit to Pileline at 5.6 temporarily alleviates the symptoms).

ENDO-INDUCED ACROPHOBIA: The queasy feeling that happens when you get really good air on an ender. Symptoms are readily identifiable when the Perception logo on the bow of the boat comes out of the water. Endomaniacs are most susceptible to the malady.

HYDRAULICOSIS: The desire to be stuck in any kind of reversal. Little is known of the cause of this disease. Symptoms are running every rapid sideways in a high volume boat. Extreme symptom: running Woodall Shoals, sideways.

OCOEE ELBOW: Usually appears after a long weekend of playing on an Ocoee-type river. Symptoms are arms that are two to three inches longer than they used to be.

GHARLOPHOBIA: Fear of running steep, shallow rapids. Symptoms: nervousness before and during transit of technical rapids. Sometimes results in bad trashings in easy rapids.

IMMERSION SICKNESS: Caused by repeated dips in ice cold water, either by rolls or swims. Causes victim to become delirious and tell lies such as “I’ll never swim again” or “I have a bomb proof roll”. This illness is self-perpetuating, the more dips the victim takes, the more lies he or she tells.

HYPER-HYPOTHERMIC FINGERS: This is what happens when you forget your pogies on a very cold day. Usually, the victim’s fingers remain frozen to the paddle for several days. Warning: a drysuit will not prevent this condition!

BLEEDING-KNUCKLE SYNDROME (BK): This is a contagious, permanent affliction. The disease is spread to anyone who follows a yellow Mirage or a red Sabre through any of the following rapids: Double Suck, Dick’s Creek Ledge, Gabriel’s Bend, Moose Jaw Falls, or Corkscrew. The discovery of this disease has led to a new rapid rating system. Rapids are now rated from 0-10 on the BK scale, with 0 being deep water and 10 very shallow and gnarly.

LOW-VOLUME KAYAK TENDENCY (LVK): This is a strange disease that causes it’s victims to repeatedly force his or her body into a tupperware or fiberglass container that is too small. Usually results in excruciating pain within minutes of entry and causes the paddler to complain about the boat nonstop for the entire day. This is very aggravating to the rest of the group.

Note: Recently a CCC paddler on a trip in western N.C. was diagnosed as having all of the above diseases.

Hope you enjoyed the flashback in time!

William Holman

Editor