Cleatus Among Us

 

Cleatus Bass, the Cleatus Maximus of Tubing

Standing at the 2022 Week of Rivers morning meeting, your Carolina Paddler reporter was intrigued by the colorful person approaching the microphone to address the group.  This speaker looked a good bit scruffier than the majority of the assembled paddlers, which is saying something.  Then, when the speaker, who introduced himself as Cleatus, proudly dropped his pants, we knew we had to cover him.

So, here is the wisdom of our tubing guru, Cleatus Bass.

Carolina Paddler:

–Mr. Cleatus, or may  I call you Cleatus?

“You can call me Mr. Cleatus, Mr. Bass, or just plain Cleatus, but please include an “a” in my name cause I’m a class A guy.”

CP:  Let’s start with paddling.  What sort of vessel do you paddle? 

“I paddle inner tubes and STUPITS. More cushion with a tube than them thar kayaks and canus.”

CP:  Okay, very practical.  Do you use a paddle with a Stupit? 

“Fancy folks use paddles with ‘em, but I found a nice 2×4 works great.”

CP:  Do you run rapids with Stupit? 

“Course you do, are you stupit – get it?”

CP:  Sounds specialized.  Is there a group of Stupits that paddle together?

“Ain’t founded a group yet. I think I was a bit ahead of my time with that invention.”

CP:  Are you a member of the CCC?    Any other groups you paddle with?

“I was awarded an honorary membership in the CCC even though I’m a tuber. I guess that’s cause I’m such a gnarly tuber.   Another group, Cats on the Water, has really gotten popular.”

CP:  Have you ever held an office in a paddling group?  Would you consider a CCC Board position?

“I am the founder of both ATE (Appalachian Tubing Enthusiasts) and COW (Cats on the Water). I would be bored with a board position.”

CP:  What do you make of the CCC paddlers?

“Most of ‘em are nice, but there ain’t many that have the guts to try tubin a like that.”

CP:  You do have a bit of a reputation as a scamp.  Women seem to eddy out when you paddle by…

“That’s cause they’ve heard bout my kissin abilities.”

CP:  Have you found the CCC a good place to meet people?  Women?

“It’s a great place to meet womenfolk. You do know I got hitched to one right at the campground during Week of Rivers. Terry performed the hitchin.”

The Bride and Groom with officiant, Terry.

This bit of news took the interrogation into uncharted waters.  After some research and a reluctant admission by Martha Mount and photographic evidence provided by Perry Landers, we’ve documented the Happy Moment.  Campground Terry did the officiating.  The Bride wore a stunning shift made of chenille and burlap and carried a bouquet of blue and white carnations and ragweed.  A billowing veil of nylon fishnet framed her smiling face.  The Groom wore an imposing corsage made of lilacs and lotus flowers, which competed nicely with his borrowed sail canvas suit and flip-flops.

The only detail Carolina Paddler has not been able to unearth is the name of the Bride. Someone ventured, “Daisy.”  Another recalled “Cleaticia.”  Others said, as the style of the time, “Missus Cleatus.”   Given Carolina Paddler’s strict journalistic integrity, we were troubled by a few omissions and allegations, the bride’s missing name being one.  Cleatus wasn’t able to supply her name but he did show us her teeth.  Disturbing.  Also there are allegations of bigamy but CP could never determine on which side or how many.  Cleatus was asked if questions of his betrothed perhaps having other marital engagements were a concern to him, he replied, “Love is all that matters.”

Back to our interview:

-Do you have anyone you would call a friend in the CCC?  Or someone who owes you money?

I got lots o friends everywhere. Ain’t you seen the FOC stickers? That stands for Friends of Cleatus. Lots o folks owes me money. I was denied my right to the Bass family inheritance when Uncle Theloneous Bass of Bass Pro Shops died a few years ago. There’s those too who I’ve given tubin lessons but din’t pay me for em.  (Carolina Paddler was not successful in fact checking either of these assertions.

CP:  Back to paddling…. What do you enjoy about paddling?

“The water and the beer (tubers swim a lot so they get to drink lots of bootie beers) ”

CP:  Oh the tradition where in recognition of a swim, the swimmer consumes a beer directly from their own footware. 

“That’s right.”

CP:  Are their particular rivers you are attracted to?  You somehow remind me of the Pigeon of old. 

“If you got lice or the crabs, the Pigeon used to be the place to go. Seems like it ain’t workin as well recently. The Haw will do the trick ifin the level is high enuf.”

CP:  Are you more of a leisurely paddler or a thrill seeker?

“I’m both. It depends on my mood. I am one of the only certified creek tubin instructors in the country, so I do enjoy gettin a tight sphinkter now and agin.”

 

 Cleatus ready for another tubing expedition

CP:  Ever had any close calls on a river?

“I almost kissed a lady.”

CP:  Can you roll?

“Rollin is easy. You just take your oar a push ofin the bottom.”

CP:  A few personal questions.  Anybody else in your family paddle  or engage in water sports?

“My sister, Eunice, loves to catch catfish by hand.”

CP:  Where did you receive your formal education?

“I graduated six grade in West Verginy.”

CP:  What’s the name of your dentist?

“I went once to Dr. McKissick, but he charged too much.”

Wishing for good luck on the Haw.

Wedding photos by Perry Landers

River photos by Alton Chewning